There are things I need to tell myself. Things I was never brave enough to say out loud because I thought that was the way I would mature. Break my pattern. But who am I kidding. Its time to fess up.
The resolutions I posted a few days ago need to change, because they are essentially the same as the ones I posted at the begining of fall semester. And I worked on things and I am happy about that, but thats not enough. Everything changes, feelings, situations, people. Each new beginging requires a change in strategy, a building on what you have already acheieved. You’re not always a tortured soul. Sometimes your a tortured soul in recovery, that doesn’t know what to look at now that the pain is no longer blinding.
There is always a million ways to look at situations, a million paths to walk down. It’s time I stopped changing myself to fit the mold of a place. And I think maybe thats why I never felt I belonged, I was trying to be something I am not. And sometimes its more than finding the courage to go headon into something that scares you, its more than your nerves and getting over them, sometimes even when you force yourself into uncomfortable situations and your heart no longer jumps out of your chest at the mention of something you never would have been able to do, sometimes even when you conquer your fear and bravely step out of your comfort zone, its still not for you. And I’m seeing now that there isn’t anything wrong with that.
My new revelation and my new resolution is to stop being a bonehead. The purpose of this life, I know not. But I do know that it does not involve the constant chase of some ideal normalcy. I will follow my feelings of happiness where they lead. And leave those uncomfortable spaces to the people who find a home there.
